2009 - 1979 = Thirty years!
Time is a reality.
Ricky had his 30th high school class reunion this past weekend. In my opinion, it was a great turn out! The class had its own website where people could post their profile, and pictures. As an outsider, (Class of 1985, I was one of the babies in the room! hee hee) the website helped me to familiarize myself a bit with some of the classmates. There is a special section for those that have passed away, and that, is the reality I speak of today.
I think for the first time, I am experiencing 'survivor guilt.' Supposedly it is common to feel guilt when you survive something horrible, and others do not. Plane crash survivors, survivors of war and battle, cancer survivors, etc. may wonder why they were spared their life, and others were not. Intellectually, you know that there should be no guilt; spiritually, you know that the Lord has a plan for your life to continue; and realistically, you know that not everyone will survive such horrible circumstances. Even with all of that knowledge, your heart can ache and you can be very sad about it.
One of the classmates passed away from Leukemia in 2003. Her husband came to the reunion. Ricky worked with he and his dad several years ago, and we had a nice chat. It turns out that he lost his sister to Hodgkin's Disease, and his wife to Leukemia. She was planning to go home the day she passed away. When I told him that I had both of those cancers, and breast cancer as well, he said, "I like happy endings!" As he walked away, he turned around and mouthed the words, "Thank you" to me. From that moment on, I have felt a strong sadness for his family.
I started this post on Monday, and it is now Thursday. I have not been able to find the words to describe my feelings. Each day is a little less sad, and each day I reflect on the miracles God has performed in me, and how He has used me through such difficult times. Each day the head knowledge takes over a bit more, and I do realize that I have no reason to feel any guilt. Let me clarify something. I do not generally think about my survivorship on a daily basis. Moving past that has taken a long time, but as with anything, time helps to quiet those thoughts. I now allow myself to dream and set goals for the future. I am still wondering just exactly what my purpose is for being here, but each day, I try to be who God made me to be, and do what is pleasing to Him.
That is my reality.
“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”- Matthew 5:14,16